And, let me put it plainly, I don't want to go back. I have no desire to return. I have no grand plans for second semester. I could happily stay in this house for who knows how much longer and not get the teaching itch.
Over break, I couldn't stand to think about it except in fleeting moments of "I don't wanna." I couldn't read any of the many teaching blogs I usually read about education. I didn't want to hear about it, think about it, deal with it.
If I skimmed an edu blog, people discussed that they went in to school over break or read articles or prepared. And, honestly, I couldn't understand how they could do it. I needed a clean break. I needed not to think about it or deal with it. And yet these people spent their break preparing themselves for the days to come, while I pretended like the inevitable did not exist.
I have to admit this made me question myself. I have a friend who spends at least 8 hours planning every Sunday, who routinely stays at school until dinnertime, who's lunch is full of lunch detentions, and who basically gives 95% of her life to teaching. I always thought she was an anomaly--the stereotypical spinster teacher.
But, I'm beginning to think I am. Maybe I am one of those bad teachers who doesn't care enough or put in enough work. Does it reflect in my teaching that I make time for my family, for my friends, for my TV viewing? Does it make me less dedicated to spend my two weeks ignoring what was to come and dreading the next five months of only 5 days off total?
I know I've heard it before, but I've never believed it, to be a good teacher do I have to give my whole life to the pursuit? I never thought so. But in the light of everyone else, I have to wonder... And if I am not giving enough, what's going to happen? Because I am not sure I can give any more. And if that does my students a disservice, should I really be here? And if the answer is no, then where should I be?