Budget Cuts

The "reality" of the situation, as our school says, is the economy is bad.  Yes, we get it.  But, at  a meeting last week, budget cuts were discussed including cutting/freezing teacher's salaries (of course, this was not said in so many words, instead hinted at and suggested in a 30 minute speech about our "reality").

I work in a private school that barely pays its teachers above the poverty line.  Cuts would put us below.  Freeze would keep us teetering on the edge.  Each year we're supposed to move up in pay by some measly little sum.  In the end, 20 years in private school is equitable to half of what you could be making in public school in 1/2 that time.

But, I am lucky enough to be married and we are lucky enough to make a decent living between the two of us.

However.

I don't know if I can feel comfortable staying knowing that one of the first moves they think about for budget cuts is to think about cutting back an already dismal salary.  I love my school and some of the people I work with.  I love that I have a say in what I teach and the curriculum and so many things.  But, I know a lot of people who aren't coming back next year simply because of money.  I promised myself two years, but... I can't help but think when you already pay pennies, teacher's salaries are the absolute LAST thing you should mess with.

Maybe I'm wrong in this economy.  Maybe I should just be happy to have a job.  But it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

This post contains swearing... A lot of swearing

While I am sitting here reading all these rational posts about helping students, about reading in the classroom, about education in a research driven way--smart, intelligent, worthy, and important pieces of information and reflection, all I can think about in terms of education is what I wish I could say to my students.  And by "say" I mean "scream" and by "wish" I mean "say in my head"

They're draining me.  They're de-motivating me.  They're getting the best of me.  They're irritating me.  They're sucking the very life at me.  And honestly?  I just want to tell them to shut the fuck up.  

Then...

Monday we went back.  First hour and I snapped.  The two week break did nothing to ease my frustration at their lack of effort, their lack of respect, and most of all their inability to SHUT UP once in a while.  I may have forgotten about it for two weeks, but those first ten minutes brought it all rushing back so fast I could feel my head snap back.

So, as the girls discussed their schedules in voices that were just as loud as mine trying to explain directions, I lost it and said so.  I said if I heard one more word about their schedule I would lose it even further.  I said the break didn't rejuvenate me--it irritated me even more that they couldn't follow simple instructions.  I said that we were going to focus on following simple directions since that was a skill they showed me they had yet to master.  

Then we had a snow day yesterday, which honestly wasn't much of a help as I was planning on yesterday to get some things done.  

Last night I had a dream that I was one of those kick ass teachers.  They're tough, they're structured to a T, but they are respected and the students learn.  Then, I woke up and realized I am just a moody teacher who loses her cool and can't seem to translate that into a teachable moment.  And I'm not sure I'll ever cross that bridge kick ass.

Dedication

Well, break is basically over as today will be spent planning the upcoming week.  Luckily I can do that in my pajamas in front of the TV though.

And, let me put it plainly, I don't want to go back.  I have no desire to return.  I have no grand plans for second semester.  I could happily stay in this house for who knows how much longer and not get the teaching itch.

Over break, I couldn't stand to think about it except in fleeting moments of "I don't wanna."  I couldn't read any of the many teaching blogs I usually read about education.  I didn't want to hear about it, think about it, deal with it.  

If I skimmed an edu blog, people discussed that they went in to school over break or read articles or prepared.  And, honestly, I couldn't understand how they could do it.  I needed a clean break.  I needed not to think about it or deal with it.  And yet these people spent their break preparing themselves for the days to come, while I pretended like the inevitable did not exist.

I have to admit this made me question myself.  I have a friend who spends at least 8 hours planning every Sunday, who routinely stays at school until dinnertime, who's lunch is full of lunch detentions, and who basically gives 95% of her life to teaching.  I always thought she was an anomaly--the stereotypical spinster teacher.

But, I'm beginning to think I am.  Maybe I am one of those bad teachers who doesn't care enough or put in enough work.  Does it reflect in my teaching that I make time for my family, for my friends, for my TV viewing?  Does it make me less dedicated to spend my two weeks ignoring what was to come and dreading the next five months of only 5 days off total?

I know I've heard it before, but I've never believed it, to be a good teacher do I have to give my whole life to the pursuit?  I never thought so.  But in the light of everyone else, I have to wonder... And if I am not giving enough, what's going to happen?  Because I am not sure I can give any more.  And if that does my students a disservice, should I really be here?  And if the answer is no, then where should I be?

Lying

If you're like me, or the other teachers at my school, you see lying in action every single day.

Teacher: Stop talking
Student: I wasn't talking!

Teacher: You copied your answers off of your neighbor.
Student: No I didn't!

Teacher: Where is your homework.
Student: My dog broke my flashdrive!

My first two are my favorite, because they are observable behaviors and I SEE it happen and students still deny it. It's frustrating. I always hear teachers ask themselves, do they think we're stupid? I tend to stop at 'do they think?'

I understand the impetus-- they don't want to get in trouble after all. But, what I don't understand is the lack of shame or remorse. The flat out lie and total disregard for consequences.

And then, last evening, I was sitting down to watch TV. Commercial after commercial came on--and lie after lie poured out. This car gets 30 mpg, this pill will make you skinny AND happy, this candidate voted this way or that way... and it's all lies, lies, lies, lies. And these lies are tossed out millions of times over and over.

So, is it any wonder kids lie? I don't mean to say that commercials cause kids to lie, merely that it is another symptom of our times. Politicians can bend and break the truth and the American public accepts it, believes it--if that's what they want to hear. The latest pharmaceuticals are touted on TV as the miracle cure for ALL your problems, and the American public goes to their doctor and asks about it--if that's what they want to happen.

I can't help but feel like so many of us are completely out of touch with reality, and we're letting our kids follow down a path where it doesn't matter what you say, as long as it's what people want to hear. A path where you don't have to think critically about the issues at hand, just find the one that sounds good. Aside from lying to my face, my kids couldn't recognize bias if it bit them on the nose.

If there is one thing I want to do as a teacher, it is to get my students to question what goes on around them... so many just accept what they're told, what they hear, what the see. Because questioning that is too hard. Even harder than writing in complete sentences!

DWG Canon

I am not particularly happy with the slate of books I have to teach this year. Some are fantastic (Night) and some I believe every study should walk away from high school having read (The Great Gatsby), but overall they fall into the DWG category: Dead White Guy.

Thinking about this jogged my memory a bit back to when I was in high school and I distinctly remember one of my teachers talking about the DWG Canon and how she was trying to get away from it. Not that the DWG are bad, boring, or even unimportant, just that some diversity would be nice.

So, I looked at my student's list of novel reading and realized only ONE book they read their whole high school career does not fit into the DWG canon, and that is To Kill A Mockingbird which, is great, but hardly a testament to the diversity of literature out there. I made a list of the 32 novels/plays I remember reading as a high school student and though the list is dominated by DWGs, there was a obvious attempt to diversify the offerings--and not just because I was in honors/AP all four years.

When I looked back at my high school career and the books I enjoyed the most, some fall into the DWG category, but many come from FEMALE writers and minority writers. I realize I teach in a Catholic school and perhaps that accounts for a more traditional approach to literature, but to have one woman and no minority novelists or playwrights whatsoever is a travesty in the year 2008. Yes, the short stories and poetry might add some diveristy, but why not in our longer literature too?

I also realize I teach at a school without much diversity. Our minority population is miniscule, but I did not exactly go to a diverse high school myself. Though public with a voluntary transfer program, the majority of the students in my area and in my school were white. Even more reason for us to read diverse literature, to realize there is more to this world than our white, suburbian existence. My entire life I have lived without much diversity (even the college I went to was predominatly white), but I feel that reading the vast variety of experiences out there made me more aware, more tolerant, and less ignorant to the great wide world around me.

There is a plethora of amazing literature out there. Some of it resides within the DWG canon, some of it does not. It amazes me that more attention is not paid to who is writing the literature we teach, and what they can offer about life experiences that perhaps the DWGs cannot.

More Musings on Why Teachers Quit

I already discussed failure as being a big motivator in first year teachers quitting. I also touched a little on too much work being put on new teachers and I would like to expand on that a little bit today.

You see, at my school, (supposedly) every teacher is required to sponsor or coach a team or club (supposedly because I think I know a few who don't seem to have to follow that "rule"). New teachers come in to the mix with whatever is left over (unless they can coach a sport). New teachers who weren't coaching were given a list a couple weeks into school and asked to pick one. I picked one and then was told that, instead, I would be put in charge of a school event along with another new teacher. A school event in which I had no interest, background, or ability.

This event quickly became a source of increasing difficulty, stress, contention, and just downright awfulness. On top of my already difficult 3 preps, 2nd job, and extra supervisory duties, I now had this albatross on my shoulders--an albatross I was supposed to create in just about 4 weeks--at the beginning of our FIRST school year.

It was an event no one wanted a part of--but everyone wanted to complain about how it wasn't being done "correctly."

At the event itself, me and my co-sponsor sat watching the kids wondering if this was really what we wanted to do. We questioned our desire to be teachers, our desire to be in a high school, our abilities to handle all that was expected of us. We were overwhelmed, disgusted with the lack of help we were given, frustrated with our kids, and all in all disillusioned--our previous rose-colored look at our school and the people in it gone.

I think that if this event was in say April, not October, things would have been different. I think that if people had let US do it, rather than complain every step of the way things would have been different. I think if they had forced one veteran teacher to help a new teacher, things would have been WAY different.

I realize that people earn a certain amount of seniority, and I also realize when I have a certain amount of years under my belt I will want to be able to choose what I want to do. But, I also think that it is unfair to stick a new teacher in charge of something they know NOTHING about, that happens at the beginning of the year especially. To dump on new teachers simply because they have no say in the matter.

It's one thing to get last pick in when I will supervise detention--it's a whole other thing to be put in charge of a school wide event.

Another teacher realized this and stepped up and helped us out when she realized we were drowning and gathered a few people to help us out, but the people in power looked the other way, made it increasingly difficult on us, and ignored the fact that I was so far out of my element.

So, what did this experience do? It made us both question our careers. It made us both look at our administration differently. It made us both look at our students differently. It overwhelmed and frustrated us. It made my co-sponsor want nothing to do with an event she was excited about (I was never excited, so my dislike of the event was a pre-existing condition).

It's over now, and already I feel more in control, more hopeful about what I can accomplish now that it's over. Still, the whole ordeal left a bad taste in my mouth.

You want to get a new teacher to stick to their profession, you ease them into it. Less preps, less supervising duties. Give them a chance to ease into it, to focus on their teaching the first year and add duties as they step up the ladder.

On a happy note, I had a student from last year send me an email this weekend thanking me. She said what she learned in my class has helped her already in college. I needed that this weekend. I needed a reminder that they learn even when I think they don't. I needed a reminder that what I do and teach is important.

Back To Frustration

Last week was a pretty decent week. This week has taken a turn back to severe frustration. I'm frustrated with with some supervisory duties that were thrust upon me that have taken a large chunk out of my planning/grading time. Not to mention that the quarter is ending in two weeks and I am trying to light a fire under some of these students and have a feeling I am going to be the one that ends up getting burned.

I am frustrated with my students and their attitudes, their lack of manners, their lack of respect, their total apathy, and the belief that real work is beneath them or not important--the belief that I should spoon feed them everything. I really honestly feel like it is this bunch of kids too, because I did not feel this every single day at my last job. Some days, yes, but here it is EVERY SINGLE DAY. I don't know how to change attitude and entitlement.

I am frustrated with myself. I don't like how I am teaching and I don't know how to change it. I can't trust my students to do group work, but independent work takes different time for different people. I cannot find a balance between that spoon feeding and that learning--basically the balance one needs to actually TEACH. I can't keep up. I can't do more. I can't encourage or inspire. I am a joke, and I know it.

I am upset, stressed, frustrated. The worst part is I know a simple break would do a world of good, would allow me to catch up on planning and get my mind wrapped around what I want to teach, but that's just not going to happen until Thanksgiving.

I hate feeling ineffective and stupid and weak and useless and pointless. I hate being so disgusted by my students I struggle to see the good in them. I hate feeling this mounting panic and I hate knowing that I just don't have the time to fix it.

Positives

There is much I could complain about. And, in fact, there is much I did complain about today. But I did it with a margarita and in the company of a few other teachers in the same boat. And what I am impressed with every single day is, no matter how awful the work and kids are, I am so lucky to be surrounded by a great group of people. There are a few naysayers and nitpickers and complainers, but overall the people I see every single day are awesome.

I think that makes all the difference in making this very difficult, frustrating experience bearable.

Why New Teachers Quit

Throughout my education coursework, I heard many a time how a significant number of teachers quit before they reach the three year mark. Causes are always cited as money, lack of resources, poor administration, and even the fact that the majority of teachers are women who might be quitting due to pregnancy. However, in all these plethora of reasons, I never heard the one that I think is the most significant: failure.

I want to be a teacher. I want to be a good teacher. And, the only way to improve, is with time, experience, and more time. So, right now, I am a crappy, crappy teacher. Day after day I face my class with the knowledge that I SUCK at this. And even when I manage to psych myself up into feeling excitement--I am always disappointed in some way. In my first real year, nothing has gone in a way that is satisfying. Because I don't just want to teach, I want to teach WELL. And I can't seem to grasp how to do that yet. Sure, with time and thought and reflection I will improve, but in the meantime, I start each day knowing I am some kind of failure.

And failure is a hard obstacle to overcome, because it beats you down, it exhausts you, it makes you feel worthless and hopeless. All that energy you need to create, engage, and impart wisdom becomes increasingly difficult to muster. All that time and energy you need to regroup, reassess, and even just relax is drained by trying to figure out just how not to FAIL. How to just get through the day.

I can't tell you how many times in the past few weeks that I have prayed to God to just get me through the day. That's all the hope I can muster. Get through the day. It's my mantra: get through the day.

You can throw more money at first year teachers. You can give them a positive environment. You can give them all the technology in the world, but it doesn't erase the soul crushing failure day after day. And, in my humble opinion, that is why so may teachers quit before the three year mark. And, in my humble opinion, nothing can change that (except possibly to lighten a new teacher's load, and ease them into teaching full time).

So, it becomes a waiting game for me, at this point. Can I make it long enough to start feeling the exhilaration of success? Or will failure break me down and force me out to try my hand at something else.

New Mantra

I cannot change my students. I can only change my reaction to them.

Pointless Battles

There are many things I know I need to work on in my teaching method, style, and preparation. There are many things I don't know. Three weeks into my second year of teaching, I have so much to learn. I need to be more creative, I need to reach out to students more, I need to set clear parameters without being bitchy, I need to focus, streamline, and think. Yes, there are so many ways I need to improve.

Yet, one of my biggest frustrations so far is not my lack of skill (though that is frustrating), not the amount of supervisory and extra jobs that fall onto my plate, not even my students who can't shut their yaps... it's pointless battles.

Homeroom is a pointless battle. Channel One is a pointless battle. Tucking in shirts, not eating candy in class, and not sleeping during class/study hall is a pointless battle. These are battles I don't want to fight. These are battles that lead nowhere and mean nothing.

I understand the reasoning behind all of these, yes. And, yes, in a perfect world students would listen to Channel One and follow dress code and be awake and engaged. But, they don't. And a teacher can yell, threaten, and bully--but in the end, for what? Trying to keep a bunch of 17 year olds quiet for 20 minutes of announcements is silly. ESPECIALLY, when those announcements are repeated throughout the day. What reason do they have to be quiet? And yet, I am expected to keep them quiet. I am expected to reign them in. I am expected to have control simply because I am the teacher. In today's world, that simply doesn't always translate.

Perhaps in time I will learn how to manage control. How to fight these useless battles. How to balance power struggles. Right now, they never cease to frustrate, to undermine excitement, and to leave me feeling tired, cranky, and unsure of what I'm doing.

Good Day

The days of a new teacher--whether new to the profession or new to the school--are a bit of a roller coaster as you work through trying to figure everything out.

Today was a bit of a zip up. My past two days have fared much better than the first week. I think it's a mix of getting into the material, setting clearer rules, and just trying to come at this from a new perspective a la If Bees Are Few.

I also found that my usual resistance to asking for help wasn't even present today. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that the English department at my school is really great as a whole, along with a majority of the faculty. There's only a small faction that seems to frown upon helping people. So, everyone is asking for help and ideas and sharing. It's very new to me, but I'm falling right into it and that collaboration brightens my mood.

Also, I had a class actually ASK QUESTIONS today. They wanted to know something! If that doesn't make for a teacher's high, I don't know what does.

I'm still struggling with a lot of things. One of the biggest things is building excitement over books and stories I just really don't care for. I thought I could do it, and I think I put up a good facade, but it's so much more fun and interesting when working with a piece of literature I feel good about. I think as I get through my first year I'll be able to weed out some of the less than stellar examples, but right now I'm still muddling and weeding through the literature and trying to work ways to make it accessible and important.

The Ideal, It Doesn't Exist

This summer I was inspired by a class I took. Inspired to look at my classroom management in a new, softer light. Inspired to trust my students would respect the word respect and expectations.

I'm sorry. I tried. It doesn't work. Maybe a teacher with a bigger presence. Maybe a teacher who has the material down so pat they can do it all with out notes or pauses. Maybe a teacher that looks mean and nasty.

My juniors and seniors couldn't handle "respect" as a guiding principle. Perhaps respect is a foreign concept. Perhaps learning is. Whatever it is, it just didn't work.

So, today we got down to business. These are the rules, and this is what happens when you can't follow them. No 'I expect you to respect yourself, each other, blah, blah, blah.' I'm sorry, you'll have to put me down as a non-believer.

In the long list of things I'll already change about next year--this is one. There will be set, specific rules. And there will be set specific consequences with a clear plan of action on the first day of school.

To those who find they don't need rules, I think that is truly amazing. I envy you that kind of unspoken structure. For me, it does not exist. It must be spoken, written, and communicated through every possibly participant in the class.

I have been told lately there is an art to teaching paired with the science, and I am a firm believer in that. And part of that art is figuring out who you are as a teacher and what your personal style is. I don't believe there is a one-style-fits all.

Weekend: Getting It Together

After my last post, I got down to business about figuring out what to do with my disruptive students. The fact of the matter is that last year if I gave my students a talking-to, they listened for the rest of the class period. This class was quiet for all of ten minutes. So, I worked out a plan that evolved from a Harry Wong idea into something that would work in my classroom--involving "yellow cards" as warnings and a clear chain of consequence from one disruption to the next.

I refuse to yell "quiet" every five minutes.

However, there is also the issue of getting kids to shut up during Channel One and during announcements. That I am not so much sure about.

I was discussing my troubles with a good friend who is a fourth year teacher. We are very different in our personalities and teaching styles, but we often have the same frustrations (as I suppose most teachers do). We both discussed that, really, the first year teaching a new class is all about getting it together. It's about figuring it all out, the details and the nuance, and when you throw a new school into the mix--you're treading water for most of the first year. The first year you figure it all out, she said. The second year, you teach.

And I agree. I just can't foresee myself being an excellent teacher this year. Not that I'll be terrible, just that really I'll be getting it together and that's a huge and overwhelming task. I'll look back on this year and wish I had done 9 million things differently, but I will have learned from each and apply it to next year.

I've come to the conclusion, that in order to survive this year-- I need to have my sights set on next year. I need to remind myself that all this work will pay off, all this confusion and treading water and struggle will reward itself with a better run classroom and a better idea of teaching next year. This is a hard thing for me to do because I have never stayed at one job for more than a year. It seems unnatural to know I will be in the same place next year.

But that will be my saving grace: a place to return to and improve upon myself.

Is It Too Early To Give Up?

My first week hasn't been what I expected. I'm not sure what I expected, but this isn't it. I'm struggling--in a new way each day.

I thought coming in with a year under my belt would help me. This is so different from what I did last year that it hasn't.

I thought I might have one or two problem students, I have a plethora.

I thought I would be in control of my classroom. It's a power struggle and I am losing.

I thought I would avoid major embarrassment. I left my fly down.

Also, my house is a disaster.

I know that this is part of the journey. I know I'm on my way to figuring this group out. I know that I will improve with experience and knowledge and I know I CAN do all of those things. It's just increasingly difficult in the meantime.

Jumble

As I bemoaned the upcoming school year and going back to work, my father told me, "it's the first day of the rest of your life."

That popped into my head today as I travelled home from school, weary, head-achey and overwhelmed.

What on Earth did I do???

It's not that I had a bad day. In fact, as days go, it was uneventful. I was wholly unprepared, not being used to such short passing periods and teaching a different class after each short passing period. I never once felt truly in control of the classroom situation. Things weren't wild by any means, but I felt like it was a first day courtesy.

I feel, all over again, like I don't know what the hell I'm doing and I never will.

Sometimes I wonder if I am really cut out for this.

And this is all with nothing bad happening. I shudder to think of my response to truly awful day.

I missed my old classroom today. It was easy and familiar. I'm tired of being the new kid on the block. I'm tired of feeling young (and being mistaken for a student).

Not an auspicious start, but I am determined to stick it through. I just may need to give up my caffeine ban to survive.

The Next Few Days

Overwhelmed, in a lot of ways, my brain still finds time to wander--but never go blank. When it wanders, it practices my first day speech over and over and over again.

I have a feeling this will be par for the course the next few days. Mental dialog, internal practicing, all gearing up for the first day of classes.

All the while completely ignoring the fact I've let the house go to hell over the past two weeks.

Brain Overload

Our week of training has come to a close, and my brain could not be more thankful. It's on information overload. My mind is abuzz with all the things I'll need to keep track of, all the activities and meetings I'll need to attend/be involved in, and the fact that I've got a life to lead outside all of it.

I'm overwhelmed, yes. However, on the flip side, I like what I saw this week. I felt the administration and staff are in this for the kids. They really want to see them learn. And it seems that being in the private sector allows them to do that with a little bit more efficiency. Not that it's perfect by any means, but there's a genuine desire to do good--not just scrape by. I didn't see that as much in the public school I was in last year.

Still, I know there's going to be a lot of adjustment, and a lot I won't like. But, I think the people around will be willing to help and advise.

I actually think the thing I am most worried about is simply understanding the Catholic side of things. Should I cross myself even though we don't do that in my religion? Do I need to memorize the prayers? What exactly IS mass and what does it entail? And I think I worry most about this because while there are a handful of new teachers, they're all catholic and familiar with the structure of the religious side of things. I think it's assumed, in a way, that we know what we're doing when it comes to that. And, one of my flaws that I always need to work on is asking for help.

It's definitely going to be a difficult and stressful year, but I also feel like it will be positive and that I will learn a lot.

The Difference A Book Makes

Friday as I begin to get those jitters and nerves running through me, I sat down with the textbooks and novels I'll be teaching. It's an overwhelming amount, but I have come to realize that if you jump in little piece by little piece it becomes manageable.

The first novel I'll be teaching is Night. I have never read this--and yes, I know this is a travesty. I figured, I'll start with the first chapter, take some notes, jot down some lesson ideas, then move to the first reading in the next class and piece by piece start this daunting task. As I opened the book, I started with the prologue instead of the first chapter.

As I read, my excitement that had been dimmed by intimidation began to sparkle again. Here are the notes I took on Night's prologue:

-"Why we write"
-Language as a barrier
-known vs. understood
-written vs. edited (connect to writing)
-"Books no longer have the power they once did."
-What is "collective memory"?

Sometimes, I get so bogged down in the "teaching" of things, that I forget what drew me to this career. I've been coached to say that I want to be a teacher to help students learn and grow. And, I do. But I want my students to learn and grow in the realm of the English language. I want them to read literature--whether old or new--and learn things about life and expression. I want them to be armored with the skills to express themselves, defend their beliefs, and for God's sake HAVE some beliefs. I want them to have a collective memory of the literature that shapes the world. I want to bring some of that power back to books, and I want my students to see that power.

Just this one little prologue reminded me of that, because Wiesel discusses all of those things in his prologue: believing in something; writing as communication and even somewhat as therapy, as testimony, as tribute, as truth; he discusses the writing process and the decision of what to keep and what to toss by the wayside. And in the end, he accesses the very heart of why books matter and need to continue to matter.

Sometimes when bogged down in teaching mode, I forget how much literature means to me, how much it's shaped me, how much I love it. I don't expect all of my students to love it in the way I do, but I truly believe that words are powerful--even in today's society. I want my students to walk away from my classroom and see that truth.

And that, that is what gets me excited about this year all over again.